just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
