I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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