If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
