I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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