Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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