you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
