He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
