I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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