If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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