is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
