from now on my penis is your penis
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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