a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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