I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
