Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
