just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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