hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
