My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I faked an abortion last night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
