Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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