i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My life is pants optional.
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