I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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