your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
