It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
