You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
