What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
