That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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