Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
