I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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