remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
