is your mom at the bar?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
