Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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