I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
