I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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