I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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