She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Randomize
