I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
