someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
