I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
