she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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