yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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