remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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