Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
