So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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