Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
