Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want a musical about memes.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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