I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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