I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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