My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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