mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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