God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
