The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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